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Amanda!!

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Amanda

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June 16th, 2009

Karma is an amazing thing.

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I can't sleep tonight for some reason. I think it has so much to do with everything that is going on. I really do believe in karma. Treat others negatively and negative things will happen to you. Treat people positively, and positive things will happen to you. Karma also happens in 3's. About a year ago a simple moving job turned out to be a little bit more than just moving things. I helped someone out who just couldn't handle what was thrown at her at the time, to say the least. I was joking and said that I didn't mind helping out because I was repaying my karma debt-I think I was right.

If your reading this, and know anything about me, you know that things in my life the past few years haven't been the best. Around age 15 I was partying all the time and although I did have some amazing times that I wouldn't trade for the world, I got into a lot of trouble. That lead to me getting kicked out around 17. I bounced around, lived with friends, when friends ran out I moved in with someone I met on myspace, when that didn't work out I moved in with my Grandmother...and then it started.

While living with my Grandmother I became closer to her than anyone in my family. She truly is my best friend. I met an amazing man (my boyfriend) who was friends with the person that lived close by. And we just hit it off. I just turned 18 at the time (I'm now 20) In that time things haven't been the best, but we both have learned a lot. We found a religion that we both strongly agree with although it's not the most popular one. After him bouncing from place to place, we finally got our own place in November. Him and his ex finally are getting along which makes it better for his children (which he now sees every other weekend-and sometimes more)....and we have just came a long way.

Now here comes the bad news.
We were so happy to get this dive of an apartment that we're living in now. We almost lost it the second month here. I lost my job a week before Christmas, and have been on unemployment ever since. He also is getting unemployment-due to there just simply isn't any work. We were so broke that we didn't have any food. His car needed some work before it could get a sticker, but we didn't have the money to fix it, so in the parking lot it still sits. My car made it to March, and then the same thing happened. We decided that we didn't like where our lives were going so we thought that it would be a good idea to go back to school. He being the computer geek that he is, thought of a major...something with computer graphics? Me, my major was interior design. We had people helping us out-and then we got the news, the people that were helping us out with internet so we could go back to school online didn't want to help us anymore, gave us a few hours notice and then we were shut off.

Here's the good news.
We have our own phone and internet. Although we both had to drop out, we have plans of going back to school. We're getting a bigger and better place in my home town of Lisbon Falls, Maine, so he'll be closer to his kids. I'm selling my car, so we don't have to worry about spending money on both, and with the money that I get from my car we plan to fix his car, and save for our new place which we should be moving into by Christmas (there is a waiting list). Although the job market sucks up here, we're still looking for jobs and not giving up. One of my friends from Norway might be coming back to the states this year for a visit and I haven't seen here since the day after I graduated high school. I got a cat, Sydnie, for my birthday to help cheer me up when I need it. And although I've has some "mental health" issues this past year, I have noticed them and know what I have to do about it-so that is getting taken care of in time.

There really isn't much to say except this all pretty much happened in a month. Just remember whoever is reading this, that everything does happen for a reason, and God (or Goddess) doesn't throw anything your way that you can't handle. So now reading my deal on karma, what do you think? Is it for real?


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June 2nd, 2009

I was looking a wedding pictures of my friends and I gotta say, they are all getting married at such a young age. I mean I'm one to speak, I'm only 20, but come on! About the whole class that I graduated with has children, and /or is getting married. I wanted to get married. I still do. I mean it doesn't matter to me what a piece of papers says, but I do want to get married just once. I know how I feel about someone, I think I know how he feels about me. (I say I think because I'm not in his head), he wanted to marry me, then we moved in together, then the money fights started. I can't stand drama in my life all the time, so that made me break down, and that made him think that I was crazy. We kinda had a date and everything. Now he doesn't even want to talk about it or anything. And to top it all off I feel like he's pulling back from me-yeah things are getting better, we're not calling each other names all the time (even though most of the time we were joking), we're not fighting at all, and things are just good...but I just want to know what is going on inside of his head. I feel like I had the biggest gift I could ever have, and it just broke. 

I know that if we ever get married, our feelings won't change. I know most people don't get it. Getting married won't change how I feel about him, so why do I want to so badly? I don't know. I'm a girl. <laughs> that's the best reason I can give you. I guess all there is to do now is just wait around until he doesn't think I'm crazy again...and then maybe he'll ask me again.

May 31st, 2009

Questions for Freud

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So I have been helping my father move the past couple of days. And in a few hours he's going to be picking me up to help him some more. I have realized how crazy my family is! Before I just thought that it was all in my head, but now I realized all the men on my fathers side, and myself, are all the same person. We all have to get the last word in, we all try so hard to be right, we all have hot tempers, and we're all really loud people. My boyfriend, Bryan, stayed with me at my dad's house last night, and I think Freud was right. Now, I love my Bryan to death, but sometimes...well he's not as nice as he could be-but he always means well. That's the same with my father. Sitting in a room with those two men made me realize that they are two of a kind, and I am just like my father. Wonder what Freud would have to say to all of that.

May 29th, 2009

Family history

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I have always been interested in my family history even when I was a little kid. I tried so many times to make a family tree but because there is so many people in my family that have been married a number of times, others that are called cousins and are not, and so on, it's kind of hard to make a family tree. Well for some reason I felt the need to do so again this week. I started online-yeah know, one if those you have to pay to do anything on here sites...we just tease you. And looking up some information I have found that the surname Lafrance first showed up in well...France. The first person to have the surname Lafrance was some king guy. Our family crest-looking into that, clearly is royal!!! So that takes care of the french in me, what about the italian side? That's harder because I can only really trace things back to only my grandfather. He never knew his parents...it's something that is just never talked about. He was adopted, but to find information about his parents, who I believe would be dead by now, seems pretty hard. I have been looking for good sites though, no scams! Anyone know of any sites that I would be able to look up old news papers, death records, marridge records, birth records...all that good stuff??? I found a website that lets you look up all the old news papers starting from like the 1800's. The problem is, it's scans of the papers, so they're very hard to read. But if anyone had any ideas or tips please let me know.

Speaking of family, me and my boyfriend will be taking off for a couple of days to help my father move from Sanford. All we have to do is move a couple of boxes and drive. I miss driving my car so I said I would do it before I was even asked. I'll be talking with you all soon I'm sure.


May 23rd, 2009

Things have been crazy lately for some strange reason. It seems like I used to know who I really was and lately I just don't. I know a lot of people say it and don't mean it, but I really need help. My boyfriend is trying to help me, but for some reason when he tries to I feel like he's getting on my case about it and I feel like he thinks I'm crazy. I know what I need to do. And while we're on the subject of knowing what to do, I really need to work on my spiritual growth again. That kind of got put to a stop when I found out that I couldn't go to my weekly "classes" anymore, and found out that because of some misunderstand that my coven just doesn't want me around. I feel that although I have left high school a few years ago the drama is still following me.

So right now, I'm down stairs in my friends apartmet. I just had to excape my boyfriend and his kids. I guess that I just had to excape myself. It's funny, whenever I want to excape myself I always seem to write, why is that? I feel like I could climb on a table in the middle of a crowed room and scream at the top of my lungs and no one would hear me. Oh, get this. So my boyfriend in September last year told me that he wanted to marry me. I was all for it. Then we moved in together, and I would bring it up like once a month and he would get all defencive about it. Well the truth finally came out not too long ago, he doesn't think that he could deal with me being the way I am with all the mental problems I have. I mean, come on now! The guy has his issues too that I can't put up with all the time. We would work on that. I think sometimes I just take too much stuff to heart. Yeah, that's my problem, I'm just too damn sensitive! I just feel so crushed that almost a year ago this man who said that he was never going to get married again wanted to marry me, and I wanted to get married to him so badly, and now he just took it all away from me. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I used to always feel that way, and it's true. I don't think I have ever found out who I am. I know what I like, and I know how and who I want to be and I just go with that. Depending on the situation you'll see a new side of me. Is that the real me?

I always feel that I'm walking on egg shells with him though because he can be in a fine mood, and I say something-he'll take it the wrong way and we're fighting again. Why were we so happy before and now we can't seem to stop fighting? I feel like it's all my fault because I am the one with the problem-wait I take that back...we all have problems. Maybe I'm the one with the problems and he just can't cope! Yeah! Let's go with that.

On another note. Some people tried to fight me and my friends the other night. Some dunk punks wouldn't let us cross the bridge to go home. They were trying to pick and fight with us over a lighter. "Hey man you want your lighter back? Would you fight me for it?" At that point I was tugging on my boyfriends pants pockets as a sign that we should get out of there, because I'm a girl, and I can fight, but God knows what would have happend to me. I started to walk away, and they said "What you live in Auburn? You gonna take the bridge home? Maybe if you ask to cross the bride we'll let you" So my boyfriend and my friend started to walk away and then they started to yell at us all though we all knew that we did the right thing. And then I hear "And take your fat whore with you" I turned around so quickly that because I was drinking, I made everything spin even more. My friend put his hand on my shoulder to try to spin me around, and I did-I knew it wasn't worth it.

But now lately that's another thing that has been on my mind is my weight. I mean I'm not really a big girl, I think I'm about average. I could lose a few pounds though. And my boyfriend pointed out to me because we're not eating healthy and that we've been drinking more than we have, that I have gained some weight. My weight has always been an issue to me because I've never been as skinny as the "popular" girls that I always wanted to be. Unlike who I am and my personality I can't drop 20 pounds in one day. Wouldn't that be nice?

So like I said, now that I have time alone. Now that I have time alone I can finally breathe and hear my own thoughts.

May 10th, 2009

Worried about my sister...

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I can't say much because so many things are up in the air. Right now, I have no idea where my sister is. There is trash outside the place where the used to live and I guess that they moved out around 11pm on Wednesday. Odd time to move out, huh? Well <sigh> all I have to say, is that there is something really odd going on here. No one will return my calls...and that makes me worry even more. I hate that I am stuck in the middle of this. However, I don't like the living situation that I saw her in. If things are as bad as they seemed...she is my sister and I do love her to death so I would do whatever it takes to make sure that she's safe.
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